Reading about monogamy at the polyamory party

A piece I wrote for the release party of a book that centers the story of a polycule.

Hi!

I read this piece at an event that took place on Wednesday. The event was sold out! How exciting. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

---

Reading about monogamy at the polyamory party.

I have sat down to write this piece a few times, each time allowing myself to get distracted by work, or my dog, or being hungry, or…by anything, really. This is to say, I do not find it to be an easy piece to write. 

In the year of our lord, 2020, I went through a breakup with someone that I had a very complicated relationship with. In that relationship, I wanted to drink from the goblet of this person’s essence. I wanted to merge our waters and become a conjoined ocean. Her moods were my moods. I never wanted to be out of her sight.

As you may imagine, this was not a healthy relationship. The sickness of codependency is unending, and I had it bad. We broke up many times, but the last time we did I spoke to my compulsion toward merging as a symptom of monogamy. I felt that if I were to spread my attention around more, perhaps I would be able to maintain a stronger sense of self.

I explained this theory to my therapist, letting her know that I would never be monogamous again. My therapist raised her eyebrows in response and said “I don’t think polyamory cures codependence”. She just doesn’t get it, I thought. She’s straight, what does she know?

Dating is not fun for me. It is not fun because I hate myself, kind of. Either that, or it’s not fun because I hate everyone else– I can never really tell which. When I am set to go on a date I hem and I haw and I change my outfit. I get moisturized, like really fucking moisturized. I put on either eyeliner or a sports bra, depending upon my mood. Once I am ready, what I think is “I do not want to go on this date”. Many times, I cancel. I LOVE when instead, the person cancels on me. Fuck dating, I always think. Who would want to do this? 

It turns out, polyamory inspires more dating, generally speaking. Due to my repulsion at the idea of seeing and being seen, attempting to vary the people with which I spend time with DID change my relationship to dependence. When something is categorically displeasurable, it is theoretically easy to not rely on (not always, but that’s a different essay for a different time). I dated a lot. One of the people I dated was very consistent, the relationship felt meaningful and I saw her twice a week for three years. I never spent the night with dates outside of her. I relished nothing more than going home, star fishing in my bed, and being my own. I jealously guarded my time, and polyamory helped me to do so.